*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me trying to reach for my goals
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
the three genders