Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
umm…
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.