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@MichaelLarrick : Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
@MichaelLarrick: Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They'd be like "did you get my text?" and you could just be like "I can't read."
@MichaelLarrick: I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I'm cool.
@MichaelLarrick: If white guys are day drinking, it's inevitable that they're going to start wrestling at some point later that night.