If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
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🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.