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@MichaelTrying : Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
@MichaelTrying: The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
@MichaelTrying: Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
@MichaelTrying: When a store says "trusted since 1982" I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
@MichaelTrying: What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
@MichaelTrying: Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
@MichaelTrying: “His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
@MichaelTrying: Shouldn't elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
@MichaelTrying: Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
@MichaelTrying: In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.