Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?