@MichaelTrying

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

@MichaelTrying

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

@MichaelTrying

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

@MichaelTrying

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

@MichaelTrying

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

@MichaelTrying

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

@MichaelTrying

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

@MichaelTrying

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.