Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.