How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.