@MichaelTrying

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

@MichaelTrying

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

@MichaelTrying

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

@MichaelTrying

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

@MichaelTrying

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

@MichaelTrying

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

@MichaelTrying

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

@MichaelTrying

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?