Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
-Deer crossing the road
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Person: “That’s a beautiful baby.”
Me: “Thanks, I named him after his grandpa.”
Person: “Awe, what’s his name?”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*