Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. In case you are wondering "But Why!". We post nice "night mode" funny tweets that are easy on your eyes when you are lying down on your side and night and scrolling through your phone while trying to get numbed up and forget the day. Click here to follow us

Page of Michael_Erhart's best tweets

@Michael_Erhart : Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* "Figures."

@Michael_Erhart: There's that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@Michael_Erhart: [Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it's not fish they're after.

@Michael_Erhart: "Now?"
"Not yet."
"Now?"
"Not quite."
*Car approaches*
"Now?"
"Now."
-Deer crossing the road

@Michael_Erhart: Person: "I hate geology puns."
Me: "My sediments exactly."

@Michael_Erhart: I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

@Michael_Erhart: Doc: "Your arm is broken. I'll put you in a cast for a while and it'll recover."
Me: "Ok, but I don't get how being in a movie will help."

@Michael_Erhart: Person: "That's a beautiful baby."
Me: "Thanks, I named him after his grandpa."
Person: "Awe, what's his name?"
Me: "Grandpa."

@Michael_Erhart: "I'd like to raise a toast."

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

@Michael_Erhart: [First date]
Me: "So, what do you do?"
Date: "I'm a librarian."
Me: "Oh, my bad."
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*