Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Smooooooth
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code