I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?