Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.