It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.
My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, “I miss you dad, please take me fishing.” But it keeps coming out like, “Hey, can I have $20 dollars.”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.