Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Midgetspar's best tweets

@Midgetspar : It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape. Science is a lie.

@Midgetspar: I don't know what "Leg Day" is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.

@Midgetspar: My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, "I miss you dad, please take me fishing." But it keeps coming out like, "Hey, can I have $20 dollars."

@Midgetspar: Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

@Midgetspar: I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven't played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I'm Michael Jordan.

@Midgetspar: The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

@Midgetspar: Just bought Colgate mouthwash 'cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

@Midgetspar: I will NEVER make the same mistake twice ... In a row. They're in rotation.

@Midgetspar: I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.