The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
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Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
🤣
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?