Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?