@Mike_Bianchi

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

@Mike_Bianchi

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

@Mike_Bianchi

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

@Mike_Bianchi

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

@Mike_Bianchi

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

@Mike_Bianchi

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

@Mike_Bianchi

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

@Mike_Bianchi

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

@Mike_Bianchi

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?