This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.