@MikeCanRant
Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
@MikeCanRant
A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
@MikeCanRant
People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements
@MikeCanRant
Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.
@MikeCanRant
My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.
@MikeCanRant
what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?
@MikeCanRant
Thanks History Channel for letting me know that this scene showing General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn is a dramatization.
@MikeCanRant
I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”
@MikeCanRant
1) Find and catch a rabbit
2) Go to restaurant
3) Complain about a hare in your meal
4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet
@MikeCanRant
if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot