Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements
Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.
My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.
what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?
Thanks History Channel for letting me know that this scene showing General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn is a dramatization.
I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”
1) Find and catch a rabbit
2) Go to restaurant
3) Complain about a hare in your meal
4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet
if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot