@MikeCanRant

Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.

@MikeCanRant

A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.

@MikeCanRant

People wont mess with you if you eat a cup of yogurt and then smash it on your forehead because youre tough and have healthy bowel movements

@MikeCanRant

Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.

@MikeCanRant

My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.

@MikeCanRant

Thanks History Channel for letting me know that this scene showing General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn is a dramatization.

@MikeCanRant

I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”

@MikeCanRant

1) Find and catch a rabbit

2) Go to restaurant

3) Complain about a hare in your meal

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet

@MikeCanRant

if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot