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guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
#gardening
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath