Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Poetry is my passion
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.