Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.