Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?