Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
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I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I鈥檓 right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
No one
Drivers in NC: The light鈥檚 only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn鈥檛 know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Doctor: you鈥檝e got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me taking notes in a meeting 馃槄
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don鈥檛 do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I鈥檓 sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I followed the link to your r茅sum茅 but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don鈥檛 get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life