Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet