me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.