Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud