Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.