I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people
If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing
Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”
Now, I tweet them
Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly