@MisterBombay

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

@MisterBombay

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

@MisterBombay

Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people

@MisterBombay

If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing

@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

@MisterBombay

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

@MisterBombay

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly