[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.