[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card