The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.