I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
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My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Mhm.
💁🏻♂️
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”