*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.