Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.