ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
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I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more