If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.