Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.