If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.