Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?