Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.