When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.