Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue