[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.