I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex