[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.