Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing