Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse