Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
United Steaks of America
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I put the h in mysterious.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”