I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!