Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing