Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
That’s incredible! 👌
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.