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Page of MondayPajamas's best tweets

@MondayPajamas : *cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don't you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing's practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*

@MondayPajamas: My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can't open my phone unless I'm eating fried chicken

@MondayPajamas: My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house.

Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though

@MondayPajamas: Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there

Me: C'mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem

@MondayPajamas: Girl, you don't even know how crazy I am about you....

I'm thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.

@MondayPajamas: Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.


Those people are called bartenders

@MondayPajamas: Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.

@MondayPajamas: My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as "exhibit A"