Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@MondayPajamas : *cleaning out wallet*
Wife: Why don't you just buy a new one?
Me: What? This thing's practically brand new
*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*
@MondayPajamas: My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can't open my phone unless I'm eating fried chicken
@MondayPajamas: My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house.
Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though
@MondayPajamas: Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there
Me: C'mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem
@MondayPajamas: Girl, you don't even know how crazy I am about you....
I'm thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.
@MondayPajamas: I'm "friends with beneficiaries" years old.
@MondayPajamas: Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.
Those people are called bartenders
@MondayPajamas: Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
@MondayPajamas: My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as "exhibit A"