@MondayPajamas

*cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*

@MondayPajamas

My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can’t open my phone unless I’m eating fried chicken

@MondayPajamas

My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house.

Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though

@MondayPajamas

Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there

Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem

@MondayPajamas

Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.

@MondayPajamas

Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.

Bartenders..

Those people are called bartenders

@MondayPajamas

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.