*cleaning out wallet*
Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?
Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new
*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*
My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can’t open my phone unless I’m eating fried chicken
My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house.
Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though
Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there
Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem
Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….
I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.
I’m “friends with beneficiaries” years old.
Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.
Those people are called bartenders
Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as “exhibit A”