Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.
*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.