Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
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If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
mariah carrie
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.