I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.